Athena vs Poseidon

In Ancient Greek mythology, there was a longstanding dispute between Athena and Poseidon over possession of Athens (or, as it was put, the patronage of Athens). Zeus, who appears to have been the ultimate God, was concerned that the dispute could lead to conflict in the city, so he said it must be decided by competition: the God who could bestow on Athens the best gift would win the city.

When the day came, the citizens thronged the arena where the contest would take place. Poseidon went first. He struck his trident hard into a rock, and out sprang a wonderful, dazzling, salt-water spring. Athena, at her turn, produced a mature olive tree.

When the elders of the citizens came to their conclusions, they ruled that Poseidon’s display was certainly impressive. But what would a city, known for its shortage of fresh water and its proximity to the sea, want with more salt water? On the other hand, Athena provided them with an olive tree, from which they could obtain food, oil, and fuel. So her gift was deemed to be the better of the two, and their vote went to her for the patronage of the city.

Legend goes on to say that at this point, Poseidon challenged her to combat over the matter. The orthodox account continues that Zeus ruled that the issue should be decided by formal election, forgetting the gifts, and the voters duly confirmed Athena’s right to the city.

But there are other accounts. One holds that Zeus forbade any fight with weapons. Firstly, he didn’t want a severe division among the population resulting from a death in this conflict; and secondly, a trident (Poseidon’s choice of weapon) was a mismatch against a sword (or spear), helmet and shield, as favoured by Athena.

So he settled on the Olympic sport of boxing. In Ancient Greek boxing, men fought naked. Well, that was no problem with Poseidon; but Zeus ruled that it could not apply to Athena. On the other hand, she must not be constrained by clothing. So the ingenious weaver, Arachne, was given the task of creating a costume for Athena that must provide her with the freedom of being naked without actually being naked. Or, put another way, she must be as near naked as possible, without actually being naked.

This caused much speculation. No one could remember seeing Athena without a helmet, sword (or spear) and shield. This isn’t surprising, seeing she is supposed to have been born that way.

The garment Arachne produced was a revelation, and Athena wore it to perfection. She was beautiful in it! It encased (but only just) her glorious large breasts, her narrow waist, and her voluptuous, well-rounded, hips, thighs and bottom. The crowd of assembled gods gave out an appreciative roar when she marched out to meet her opponent.

You might ask, what was Zeus thinking of, pitting a female against a male? On the other hand, gods and goddesses do have supernatural powers, otherwise what’s the point in being a god? Also, you might argue that the Goddess of War (among other things) would stand a good chance against the God of the Sea. You’d be right if you did.

Zeus’s competition, according to this account, had been a sham, and it wouldn’t have solved the matter, whichever way it went. The dispute between them had become a matter of deep personal hatred, which only combat could cure. So it was with general relief when Zeus ruled that the pair must box. They entered the arena from different ends, climbed into the ring, and started fighting instantly, with no formalities.

From the outset, Athena put Poseidon on the ropes with a brutal right cross. For a moment, the pair glared at each other, and then he took a run at her, roaring in fury. It’s unclear what he meant to achieve by doing this, because it ended in disaster for him, since he ran into her right fist. She punched him hard on his mouth and nose, making his eyes water.

Athena exploited her advantage to the full. She smashed a left uppercut up under his chin, then angled her right fist into the corner of his mouth, drawing blood. Seeing Poseidon stagger to his right, she decided to send him in the opposite direction. Her left fist soared upwards, spectacularly striking him on the jaw, and it sent him tumbling and rolling down on the mat. Not only that, she had drawn blood for a second time.

Here Zeus called for a halt. This caused consternation among the other gods watching from “on high”, because Athena would have been quite within her rights, under the rules of the time, to attack Poseidon when he was down. But Zeus was in charge. He told them both off for behaving like a couple of street brawlers, rather than honourable boxers. Then he tore into Poseidon. Why, he thundered, did he have an erection? (This was true. Ever since Athena’s first punch put him on the ropes, he had been struggling against one, and now he had a monster of one.)

“I don’t know, my Lord,” he faltered through his damaged mouth. “Perhaps it’s the excitement of the contest.” Athena smirked at that. A veteran of countless fights with men, she knew the weakness so many of them had for a beautiful woman who could out-fight them. They might hate the idea, but they found it sexually stimulating, all the same.

(Among the spectators “on high”, one of them had a fit of what you might call professional jealousy. Aphrodite thought she knew every way there was to give a man an erection – indeed, she’d invented about half of them. But she’d never seen anything like this before. “I think I’ll learn to fight,” she thought. “No woman must be better than I am, when it comes to arousing a man. Apart from that, it will be fun to teach Dionysos a lesson, the next time he misbehaves in one of my brothels.”)

Standing there, fists at the ready, Athena was eager to continue the fight; but Zeus (the pompous old fool, she thought privately), would make his judgement. Poseidon, he ruled, had shown “disrespect” by getting an erection. Disrespect to Athena, to the assembled gods, and to the sport of boxing. Furthermore (“Oh do get on with it,” she thought), because she had been denied the chance of a quick victory, he was now awarding her one groin strike with either the foot or the knee. She grinned broadly – she’d been wanting to do that for ages!

“Continue,” directed Zeus, and Poseidon stood back up. He wasn’t very clever or subtle, and expected the groin strike to come there and then. Whereas Athena, as befitted the Goddess of War, believed you should keep your opponent guessing. Consequently, her right uppercut caught him completely by surprise. It was ferocious, as all her punches seemed to be, and disorientated him for a moment. It was this moment that Athena chose for her bonus award. She thrust her knee up hard into his balls, while simultaneously punching him in the face.

Poseidon stumbled and retreated, desperately trying to play for time. He felt sick, and some of the male gods assembled had to look away, sensing his agony. Not so the female gods! Aphrodite gazed at the two fighters: the woman, alert and confident; the man, floundering and helpless. Yes, she would definitely learn to fight! She found herself shouting encouragement as Athena belted Poseidon with a left cross, dead straight on the chin, which drove him into a corner.

She gaped, open mouthed, when Athena’s second right uppercut, angled in this time, sent her opponent spinning. She clapped when Athena caught him sharply with her left fist on his right eye, blackening it. That’s the way to do it, she thought admiringly: pummel your opponent; don’t give him any time to recover. She purred with satisfaction when Poseidon yelled in pain as a second left uppercut jerked his head and shoulders beyond the corner post for a moment, noting that he still had not lost his erection. “I hope Athena doesn’t waste that erection,” she thought to herself.

One more punch would do it. It was obvious to Athena, to Zeus, and to the onlookers, though it’s doubtful whether anything was obvious to Poseidon anymore, so befuddled as he was. She hooked her left arm around his neck, and trapped him in a headlock. She paraded him around the ring as a trophy, before settling them both in the middle. She then steadied her right fist, regarding her stricken opponent and smiling. Then she let him have it, full, hard and straight on the chin. It was a match-winning right cross, and Posiedon’s feet left the canvas. For a few delicious seconds, Aphrodite watched the man fly away from the woman’s fist before he landed roughly on his back, unconscious.

The beautiful goddess stood over her beaten, bloodied, male opponent, and raised her arms in triumph. Athens was hers!