The Southern Spitfire

Rocky says "HELL YEAH, I'LL DO IT AGAIN. AND THIS TIME I'M GONNA KNOCK MY OPPONENT OUT!" The bookers love his enthusiasm and tell him to meet at the same location next Friday as the ones he went to before.

Ads searching for male and female boxers are sent out to all the boxing, fighting and fetish sites again.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the deep south, a woman has been trying to figure out what to do for her 70th birthday. Once a fiery female boxing champion, Sandy Stewart has long-since retired, and has been living a fairly reclusive life back in her native Georgia. Since she last stepped in the ring almost 30 years ago, she's got married and raised several kids, who now have kids of their own. Her husband passed away a few years ago, leaving her home alone. Her birthday is only a week away, and it's a milestone... her 70th. Her son has an important business trip that extends through her birthday, so her kids all decided to gather one week earlier and take her out to dinner. She loves the gesture, but is still overwhelmed by a feeling of melancholy, not able to celebrate this milestone with her husband.

Her social outlet these days, Sandy cruises through the internet a few days before the dinner party. She sees one of the ads for a mixed boxing fight card out in LA, and it peaks her interest, but then she realizes that the window for that happening closed years ago. But she can't click off the screen. She continues to ponder it, then gets up and stands in front of her bathroom mirror. Yes, she's 69 years old, but her body is in great shape. She works out every day. She flexes her muscles in front of the mirror. She then reaches into her bedroom closet and opens up a dusty box... inside are her old boxing duds. She tries them on, pops the gloves on and stands in front of the mirror again.

It was right then and there that something inside her snapped. She grabbed her camera and took a pic of herself in the mirror.

Instead of bracing herself for her upcoming 70th birthday, she decided she wanted to tackle it head-on. She was not going to spend her big day home alone. She was now dead-set on celebrating it by lacing up the old boots, popping those gloves on and stepping back in the boxing ring for the first time in several decades... to completely pulverize a male opponent.

She raced over to the phone and called the number on the ad. She tells the booker she's 5'7, 140 pounds... and that she's about to turn 70. Well, that last part takes him by surprise. He asks her if she has any idea what she's getting herself into. She says she's Sandy "The Southern Spitfire" Stewart, a championship boxer back in the 70's, and has faced (and KO'd) the best. He reminds her that it's 4 decades later, though, and she could get completely pummeled, maybe even KILLED in the ring at her age, going up against a male opponent. She pauses and tells the guy: "LOOK, SON. I'M GONNA BE 70. I'M NOT DEAD YET. I'M NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT." She texts him the picture of herself posing in the mirror. Then sends over her $500 entry fee. He calls her right back, and without hesitating she says: "YOU HAVE YOUR MONEY, NOW YOU BETTER FIND ME A BIG, STRONG GUY TO FIGHT, BECAUSE IT'S MY PARTY AND I'M COMING OVER THERE TO KNOCK THAT FUCKER OUT." The booker reluctantly agrees.

At Sandy's birthday dinner, she informs them of her decision to step back in the ring one last time. Her heart and head are dead-set on this. Though skeptical at first, and scared for her health and safety, her family says they'll be in her corner, and to beat the living hell out of the guy. Sandy is elated. All systems go!

Rocky starts training for this fight by walking a few miles, lifting some hand weights, and sparring once again with his friend Nancy in a private ring inside a private storage area. They have their own rematch together sometime down the road, but for now, Nancy is helping him prepare for his big fight. She KO'd him during his last fight, so she feels responsible for getting him ready for this one.

On fight night, Rocky drives to the warehouse. The parking lot is, once again, near full, so he knows there will be a lot of people watching. He checks in at the door, where the guy at the front tells him to get ready in the men's locker room area down the hall. Rocky walks in... puts his boots, trunks and gloves on, and punches the heavy bag around, much harder than before, getting himself pumped up.

Sandy pulls up in her car, and the crowd begins to buzz. "Is that who I think it is? Nooo." seems to be uttered many times by the perplexed public. Sandy checks in, but then turns to the crowd and asks: "Y'ALL READY FOR A BEATDOWN?!" The crowd roars back: "YEAH!" Sandy smiles with a devilish grin, and replies: "DON'T GO NOWHERE, BECAUSE "THE SOUTHERN SPITFIRE" IS BACK FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, AND SOME POOR BASTARD'S GONNA GET HIS ASS WHOOPED!!!" The crowd roars, as Sandy enters the warehouse. She sees a glimpse of the ring, getting her all fired up. She feels right at home.

She walks into the women's locker room, and the other ladies just marvel. She opens up her bag, seeing her conferate color outfit. Red body suit, White gloves and Blue boots. She puts them on and starts getting herself pumped up even more, smashing the heavy bag.

After a few hours, it seems the other fights have all come and gone. The women have won the majority of them, some by KO. One guy opens the mens locker room door and says: "Yo, Rocky. You ready for your fight? You're the main event again!"

Rocky's surprised, nervous, but determined and fires back a "HELL YEAH! TIME TO PULVERIZE SOMEONE." He is told to wait in the darkened men's tunnel. Where he stands alone. He hears the large crowd waiting for him and, though nervous, can't wait to be called.

A guy opens the women's locker room and says: "Hey, Sandy. You ready for your fight?" Nikki slams her gloves together, says "OH, FUCK YEAH." The guy then says, "YOU KNOW YOU CAN CALL THIS OFF IF YOU WANT TO. I'M SURE EVERYONE WOULD UNDERSTAND." An angry Sandy replies: "I DIDN'T TRAVEL ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO SIT IN SOME BINGO HOUSE. YOU BETTER OPEN THAT DAMN DOOR, OR YOU'LL BE THE SECOND GUY I KNOCK OUT TODAY." The guy takes Sandy to the relatively dark women's tunnel, where she stands alone, getting herself even more pumped up with her game-face on.

Finally, the ring announcer grabs the mic from the middle of the ring... the bell rings a few times... we're about to begin!

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING! ONCE AGAIN, FIVE ROUNDS OF MIXED BOXING, MALE VS. FEMALE, WITH THE WINNER RECEIVING THE ULTIMATE PRIZE... FIVE-THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! AND TONIGHT, WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST FIGHTER JOINING US!!!"

The crowd goes crazy. Then Rocky's music starts.

"BUT FIRST, MAKING HIS WAY TO THE RING..."

(and Rocky begins his march to the ring)

"...SIX-FOOT-1, WEIGHING 245 POUNDS... ROCKY!!!"

There are some cheers, but the majority of the crowd is booing heavily. Rocky's a little phased by this, but tries his best to project confidence... climbing into the ring... shadow-boxing and flexing for the large crowd. He wonders who the special guest fighter is

Then, all of a sudden, Rocky's music ends, the lights dim a bit, then a familiar ol' Dixie tune blares over the loudspeakers... the crowd grows CRAZY with anticipation... Many of them know what that leads to.

"AND HIS OPPONENT..."

out from the darkened tunnel, with the spotlight now cast upon her, appears a legend. Rocky cannot believe who is walking in his direction.

"... FIVE-FOOT-SEVEN... WEIGHING 140 POUNDS... CELEBRATING HER 70TH BIRTHDAY TONIGHT... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... SANDY "THE SOUTHERN SPITFIRE" STEWART!!!"

Sandy marches towards the ring, determined, but relishing the cheers. Rocky is completely confused. Approaching the ring to meet him for a fight is a 70-year-old woman! He's not sure what to think.

Sandy climbs into the ring... raises her arms, as if to soak it all in and proclaim imminent victory. She then takes her corner, shadow-boxes a bit, then shows off her impressive physique, flexing her muscles to the crowd's delight. She still has it.

The referee then summons both fighters to the middle of the ring. Sandy looks at Rocky with a playful grin, but he can't get past her age. What if he punches her once, and she collapses and dies? He doesn't want that looming above him for the rest of his life. He turns to the ref and says: "HEY, MAN, I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS." Sandy interrupts: "COMFORTABLE WITH WHAT?" Rocky uses facial gestures to respond with the obvious: "LOOK. I KNOW YOU WERE A GREAT FIGHTER, AND I RESPECT THAT, BUT THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO." Sandy snaps: "ARE YOU CALLING ME OLD" Rocky responds: "YOU JUST TURNED 70. I DON'T WANT TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE IF ONE PUNCH FROM ME KILLS YOU. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE PUNCHING AROUND A 70-YEAR-OLD WOMAN." Sandy blasts back: "EXCUSE ME, MOUNTAIN OF MUSH, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE PUNCHING *ME* AROUND?!" Rocky tries to respond: "WELL..." Sandy cuts him off: "WELL, NOTHING. THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY. YOU ARE MY, WHAT DO THEY CALL THEM, PINATA. AND I'M GONNA PUMMEL YOUR BLOATED BELLY ALL OVER THIS RING. NOW TAP MY GLOVES AND LET'S GET IT ON!!!"

Rocky and Sandy tap gloves and go back to their separate corners. Sandy is bouncing up and down, while Rocky tries to figure out what just happened, and what he got himself into.

DING!!!

Round 1 starts, and the two meet in the middle. Rocky more cautious. Sandy a little more aggressive. Sandy yells: "LADIES FIRST!" and fires a sharp right-left combo to Rocky's head. Rocky is taken aback a little. Sandy pursues him and fires another right-left combo to Rocky's head. Sandy yells: "NOW LET'S SEE IF THAT BLOATED BELLY'LL BURST" and fires a several right-left combos to Rocky's gut. The punches are a bit stronger than he thought they'd be. Still, he feels very hesitant to punch her. Sandy fires another right-left combo to his head. She starts getting a little frustrated: "ARE YOU A PUNCHING BAG, OR WHAT?! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT BIG BOY." But Rocky is still hesitant to punch her.

DING!!!

Round 1 ends, and the two fighters go back to their corners. Rocky is confused. He is getting pummeled, but is still hesitant to punch her. Sandy, meanwhile, is getting agitated by Rocky's inaction.

DING!!!

Round 2 starts, and Sandy yells over: "HEY, SON, THIS IS A FIGHT NOT A FIX. GIVE THESE FANS THEIR MONEY'S WORTH." Rocky and Sandy meet in the middle of the ring. Sandy just stands there. "HIT ME!" she yells. Rocky reluctantly gives her a punch (at about 25% strength) to her abs. It sends her back a foot, but no real impact beyond that. "WHAT WAS THAT? A MOSQUITO? HIT ME!" Rocky punches her abs again, this time at about 50% strength. But Sandy isn't buying it. She knows he's holding back. So, now she's gonna let him have it. Sandy yells: "TIME TO WAKE YOU UP, BOY!" and she completels tees off on him. Combo punches to gut, face and head send Rocky back into the ropes, where she gives him several right hooks, forcing him into the corner. There, she unloads on him. He could fend it off, initially, but then it became too much for him. Sandy then nails him with an uppercut to the chin, sending him back into the turnbuckles and onto the mat. The ref begins counting... "1,2,3,4..." Sandy yells at Rocky: "C'MON AND GET UP. WE AIN'T DONE FIGHTIN' YET!"

DING!!!

Round 2 ends, and Rocky gets back on his feet... dazed and confused. Staggering over to his corner. Sandy goes to her corner, and is feeling pumped.

DING!!!

Round 3 starts, and Rocky and Sandy meet in the middle again. Sandy takes several shots at Rocky's head. Sandy yells: "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TO HIT ME?!" Rocky is silent. Sandy keeps punching him and yells: "I'M NOT YOUR DAMN GRANDMA. I'M YOUR OPPONENT. NOW, RESPECT ME, QUIT FUCKING AROUND AND FIGHT!" Well, that woke Rocky up. Rocky nails her in the face with a right jab. Then he pummels her with left-right combos to the gut. Sandy keels over, but smiles and says: "THATA BOY! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!" Rocky punches her in the head again, and punches her back into the corner. Rocky then unloads on her. Punches to head, face and gut. One hard right hook to her head sends her spinning around, then crashing down onto the mat. The ref runs over: "1,2,3,4..." Rocky runs over and asks: "ARE YOU OK?" Sandy starts getting back on her feet, laughs a little, and says "HELL, I'M FINE! BUT YOUR ASS IS TOAST!" Sandy attacks him with punches to head and gut. Rocky responds with a few punches of his own.

DING!!!

Round 3 ends. Both fighters stagger back to their corners. Both contestants are feeling the energy. Finally, we have a fight!

DING!!!

Round 4 starts, and the two attack each other. Trading punches to head and gut. The adrenalin is pumping inside Rocky, who starts gaining the upper-hand, punching Sandy in the head repeatedly, then a few times in the gut... pinning her against the corner turnbuckle... where he continues to nail her in the face and gut. Rocky nails her in the gut so hard, she falls onto her knees, then on the mat. The referee counts: "1,2,3,4,5,6..." but Sandy gets to her feet, laughing a bit. Rocky yells: "WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!". Sandy replies: "THAT'S ALL YA GOT?! IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE THAN THAT TO KNOCK ME OUT!" Rocky is a little incensed, and rushes over to continue punching her in the gut and head. Now some blood starts shooting out. Rocky gets her to the middle rope, winds up, and crushes Sandy's chin with a mighty right uppercut, sending her flying in the air, bouncing off the top rope, and collapsing onto the mat. The referee rushes over: "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8..."

DING!!!

Round 4 ends. Saved by the bell. The referee asks Sandy if she wants to continue. A woozy Sandy tells him: "NOBODY COUNTS ME OUT!" Sandy gets rehydrated in her corner. Rocky gets some water in his corner, too. The tide has turned in Rocky's favor. He wonders, though, if her being saved by the bell was meant to be. What does he stand to gain by knocking a 70-year-old woman out? Should he just let her knock him out this one time? Better hurry up! One more round to go.

DING!!!

The fifth and final round begins. Sandy yells: "C'MON, SUGAR! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU GOT!!!" Rocky asks: "ARE YOU SUUUURE?!" Sandy yells: "STOP THINKIN' OF ME AS YOUR DAMN GRANDMA AND FIGHT!" Rocky yells: "OKAAAAY!" and rushes over to her and starts pummeling her gut and face. He punches her in the face, where she lands on the mat. The referee rushes over to count: "1,2,3,4, 5..." but then a PISSED Sandy pops up. "KID... " he says: "YOU JUST IGNITED THE SOUTHERN SPITFIRE!" Sandy rushes over and completely annihilates Rocky with everything from punches to the head and gut. She uses her left arm to hold him in a headlock, while she slams him with repeated punches. Then clobbers him in the corner, then gets him in the middle of the ring, where she winds up and nails him with right uppercut to his chin, sending him up in the air, crashing down onto the mat. The referee counts: "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, 10!!!"

DING, DING, DING!!!

A victorious Sandy celebrates.

The announcer grabs the mic... "THE WINNER OF THE FIGHT, BY A FIFTH ROUND KNOCKOUT... SANDY "THE SOUTHERN SPITFIRE" STEWART!!!"

While the announcer speaks, Sandy stomps her foot on Rocky's stomach, while flexing her impressive 70-year-old physique for everyone to marvel at.